Empty Words
by Vampyre1412
Summary: One Shot. Haldir has demons he cannot escape and feelings he wished he had never had. Sorry it sucks. :/


**WIP...all characters are owned by Mr. Tolkien. **

_**Haldir**_

Imladris.

He had not been to the House of Lord Elrond in many years but there it lay in the valley, forever beautiful and worthy of such awe. He rode ahead of Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel prepared to announce them when they arrived through Imladris' gates. Picking up his horse's pace he pressed on with more urgency and led the horse down into the valley and across the bridge, at long last crossing through the gates. Lord Elrond stood with his Chief Counselor Erestor, awaiting them. Dismounting, Haldir placed his right hand to his chest and bowed. "_Mae govannen_ my Lord Elrond of Rivendell. Lady Gladriel and Lord Celeborn are most urgent to see you."

Lord Elrond smiled and nodded. "Haldir of Lorien, it is wonderful to have you and the Galadhrim here once again."

Haldir nodded and went to stand to the side as his Lord and Lady arrived and were being immediately greeted by Lord of Imladris. Haldir let his eyes float around the scene that he was now a part of and yet distant from. He always had felt like an outsider looking into the world that his people lived in. He was the Marchwarden and even though that title bore great endearment, for him it meant almost nothing as of late. He was proud that he was able to protect Lorien's boarders with such great skill but he also had a feeling that he was missing out on the many things that were also a part of life. His eyes slid around the other elves that were near-by and they finally fell on a dark haired elf who stood stiffly and at attention as if he were a soldier but he wore black robes that were large and they billowed, making him look bigger than he truly must have been. His hair was pulled back tightly and away from his face and he looked painfully thin, even for an elf.

He felt his heart race when he saw him and he did his best to push down all of the feelings that were rushing about inside him. His training had taught him that he should and could not allow his emotions to rule him. He was a soldier, he was not a poet or a bard. He stiffened his spine all the more and did his best to stand up straight and tall and to look as proud as he could. He kept his face clear of all emotions but inside he was desiring to know the elf that stood there, so handsome and so cold. He watched as Lord Elrond approached the elf in question and say something to him and then the elf inclined his head respectively and turned to walk away. Haldir did everything he could to catch the elf's eyes, he wanted him to know that he was looking at him but to no avail. The elf turned a light pink when the Lord said something once more and then he turned and left.

Haldir frowned. Who was he and why was he so distant? He had seen the way he looked upon the Lord of Rivendell and he feared that maybe the two of them were involved with one another. Was that Elrond's lover? Had he at last found love once more? He heard Lord Celeborn tell him that he was more than welcome to relax now that they were here and he was dismissed to do as he pleased. Haldir nodded and watched the three great elven leaders head off into the house, leaving him the only one left in the courtyard. Taking a deep breath, Haldir turned and decided to pay a visit to a place he had not in a long time. Walking past the main buildings he found himself a private garden that he doubted any of the elves knew was there; it was unused and untouched, it was overgrown and yet somehow still beautiful. When Haldir came to Imladris this was the place that he enjoyed most. It was the one place that he could find solace.

Sitting himself beneath some brush he lay on the soft moss and stared up at the sky. He had not had time to himself in a very long time. He was always on duty, patrolling, doing his duties as a marchwarden should. Some part of him was bitter about this,, especially lately, he did not know why. He wanted to have more time to himself, he slaved away all day and all night making sure the guard stayed in line, making sure the land of his people remained protected. He hardly slept and even though his body was trained to be this way, his mind was not. It had taken a toll on him and he felt much older than he truly was. Sighing, he closed his eyes, and the exhaustion that he did not realize that his body was experiencing invaded him and he slid into darkness.

_**Erestor**_

"Erestor!"

Erestor jumped from his work, startled when he heard Lord Elrond call his name. Hurrying to his feet he slid into the half-elf's office and stood there, trying to brush the shock off of his face. "Yes, my Lord?"

"I did not mean to startle you but I need this done today," Elrond said gently, handing him a batch of scrolls. "I know you are busy but these needed to be sent out yesterday."

Erestor blinked because he had never seen these scrolls before. "My Lord I did not-"

"I know you did not know," he interrupted, his voice still gentle. "It was my fault, I had forgotten to give them to you. I apologize immensely my friend, I am not meaning to add more stress to you but I know I am. But you are also the only elf I know that can this done quickly and yet still efficiently."

Erestor relaxed once he realized that this was not something he had forgotten and neglected. It was not his fault that he had not known of this job that needed to be done. Taking the scrolls, he nodded. "I will work on the straight away my Lord." Heading back to his office, he laid them out, and set about marking and highlighting all that needed to be highlighted. Once that was done he would move onto re-writing them so they could be re-sent to wherever they needed sending to. Elrond was correct, he was the only elf that could do this quickly and yet make it look like it had not been rushed. He was only an hour into his work when the door to his office was opened and he looked up to see Elrond standing there once more. "My Lord?"

"The Galadhrim are to be arriving shortly," Elrond said, sighing. "I had forgotten this as well." He ran a hand over his face. "I am so absent-minded as of late Erestor. I am sorry to take you away from your work because of my own fault."

Erestor waved his hand, standing. "My Lord, you have many things that must be taken care of, I can understand how you have not been as focused as usual." Walking over to him, he smiled gently. "I hope you are well, my Lord? Do you need anything?" He felt his body tingle, he knew what the Lord _needed_ and he knew that he could give it to him but Elrond did not know of how he felt and it pained him that he could not tell him of how he truly felt.

Elrond sighed. "There are many things I need Erestor, sadly I do not know if you can give any of them to me."

Erestor almost sighed in exasperation. "Of course my Lord…if anything changes I am here for you always."

Elrond smiled and patted his back. "Thank you Erestor, I appreciate your friendship very much."

Erestor nodded and followed Elrond outside to stand and wait for the Galadhrim to arrive in Imladris. As he stood there he felt his nervousness grow. He wanted to reach over and hold Elrond's hand, to comfort him. He loved Elrond as more than his Lord, more than his friend…he loved him as man to man. Every fiber of his being was itching to tell hi _now_ since Elrond had been so distracted lately. He bit his lip and he looked over at him, nervous.

"Yes, Erestor?"

Erestor blushed and looked down, fiddling with his robes, feeling embarrassed by his own feelings. "N-nothing…."

Elrond frowned. "What is it? You seem upset..?"

"I-I…well my Lord…I….." He turned extremely red and began to mumble. "I just want to comfort you my Lord…offer you….comfort….."

Elrond blinked, shocked. Was Erestor saying what he thought he was saying? If so, how could he be so blind to Erestor's true feelings for him? How could be so _blind_? "Erestor…."

"I am sorry," he added quickly. "I know it is not right to feel this way about you but I do….you seem so pained and you _need_…comfort….I wish to offer it to you….." He chewed on his lower lip, truly ashamed and when he met Elrond's eyes he expected to see anger and humiliation but instead he saw a twinkle, joy even.

"Erestor…I am…flattered by you," he said, smiling to him, still speaking in private tones for only the two of them. "I…would very much enjoy your comfort."

"Y-you would?"

Erestor nodded. "Yes Erestor," gently, smiling. He turned away when he heard the horses and Haldir of Lorien came through the gates.

Erestor felt beyond joyed; he did not show it for he could not, but he _did_. He was beyond happy and a small smile plagued his lips. He watched as Elrond greeted Haldir the marchwarden and then the soldier went to stand aside. He turned his eyes back to Elrond and he felt a shiver run down his spine. He and Elrond would soon be alone…tonight…..

"I will wait for you tonight," Elrond said to him quietly.

Erestor blushed, startled, and nodded, before turning and going back to his office to return to his work. He had never felt more happy before in his life. Smiling to himself at last, he soared through it with that smile plastered all over his face.

It was late into the night and Elrond had not arrived to see him yet and Erestor worried. Would Elrond not come? Had he lied to him? Erestor shook his head, putting scrolls into their proper places. Elrond did not lie, especially not to him. Taking a deep breath, he assumed that Elrond had been too tired to see him after spending all of the day with the Galadhrim. He was almost done cleaning up for the night when the door opened and he turned to see Elrond coming in and his breath caught a little; his Lord only wore a loose robe and it hung open…of what eh could see, he did not think Elrond wore anything at all underneath. Turning bright red, he quickly put the rest of the scrolls away.

His back was turned and he felt Elrond come close to him, standing behind him, his hands now on Erestor's shoulders, gently rubbing them. He closed his eyes, shivering. "My Lor-"

"Shh," Elrond said gently. "You are so tense Erestor." Elrond's hands massaged his shoulders and then he felt his lips touch the tip of his ear and his body responded by tightening in his leggings.

He was blushing, he could feel his face heating up and he knew he must be extremely red but then he let out a moan that caused him to pause: had that come from him? Elrond's hands were sliding all over his body and he was moaning more now, pressing back against him, tilting his neck so Elrond could get at it more since the elf lord seemed so intent on kissing it. His breath caught when Elrond opened the front of his robes, trying to get to his bare skin, touching and stroking. Turning to face Elrond, he kissed him desperately, not wanting to appear as the meek, little counselor he usually was, he wanted to show Elrond he would be a good, caring lover.

He found himself touching Elrond's chest and then he pulled the robe off of Elrond's shoulders and he paused and his eyes went down the length of his body to the _other_ length of his body. Blushing more, he cautiously ran his fingers over him and when Elrond closed his eyes and groaned in the back of his throat, he grew more confident with his hands. All he had ever wanted was to please his Lord and to be allowed to love him as he always had. He didn't even notice Elrond was undressing him until he was just as naked as Elrond was. Blinking, he paused in his endeavors to please and looked down at his own thin body and he flinched a little. What if Elrond did not find him attractive now? What if he found him ugly…

"You're beautiful," Elrond whispered as if he had read Erestor's thoughts, kissing him deeply and pressing their bodies together, caressing the small of Erestor's back.

"I-I am?" he whispered, shocked.

"Yes." Kissing him more, he guided Erestor's hands back to their previous position and then happily returned the favor, gently stroking Erestor, matching the pace Erestor set on him.

Erestor began to pant, his body tensing, gasping and whimpering. Burying his face in Elrond's chest he groaned when he finished, almost embarrassed to have done so before Elrond had but he could not help giving in. He continued to work Elrond faster and then finally his lover's body gave in and they both stood there trying to catch their breath. Elrond looked down at him and he raised his eyes, smiling slightly. "I want more of you," Erestor whispered.

Elrond grinned. "Then I am happy to oblige you."

_**Haldir**_

He was going to do it. He was going to introduce himself to the elf…he was _right_ there. He could do it, he could say hello. He knew he could. "Hello." _Oh that was suave._

"Hello….Haldir, yes?"

Haldir nodded, trying not to turn red in his presence. "Yes, I am Haldir….you are…?"

"Erestor, Elrond's Chief Counselor." Erestor smiled and greeted him in the proper elven way and then sat again. "Would you care to join me? For once I have no work to do, Elrond has…"given" me the day off."

Haldir nodded and sat opposite him, feeling his stomach twist into knots. Why did this elf make him feel this way? He swallowed the lump in his throat and tried to sit still. He had no idea he was being so inconspicuous until Erestor frowned at him.

"Are you alright?" he asked, confused.

"Y-Yes…forgive me…I…." He took a deep breath. "You fluster me." It came out before he could stop himself and he wished he could grab them all back and eat his own words.

Erestor blinked at him and looked stunned. "I…well I thank you." He wanted to tell the marchwarden that his interest lied elsewhere but was he allowed to say that? Did Elrond wish for him to tell others of the two of them? He didn't know. "But I am afraid that-"

"It's alright, forget I had said anything," Haldir interrupted, very embarrassed. Standing, he excused himself and all but fled from the scene, going back to his private garden to be alone. To chastise himself for allowing to feel anything at all for someone so highly ranked above him. He was a marchwarden, there was nothing special about him. _All you do is patrol borders all day, he has a job worth speaking of. He is a Chief Counselor, and what are you? Nothing. You are nothing. _Running his fingers through his hair, he tried to bite back the demons that plagued his thoughts. He bit his tongue hard enough to make himself bleed but that did not make them go away. _You are a pathetic nobody. Celeborn took pity on you and gave you an _easy_ job, all you do is walk in a line all day. It's not as if Lorien is actually ever in any _real_ danger. You're useless and you know it._ Pacing back and forth so much he had worn a path into the overgrown grass, he sat down and pulled out one of the knives that he always had on hand.

Taking a shuddering breath he rolled up the long sleeve on his arm and revealed his pale scarred skin beneath. He was a shameful sight…scars that he caused himself, not from battle. His stomach twisted further and he placed the blade to his skin and drug it down, watching his blood bubble up from underneath and spill to the ground. He cut lovely lines into his already scarred and cut skin and the demons went away and he relaxed. He could see straight again; the pain bit at him and he was almost used to feeling it by now but it had been a long time since he had needed to release the demons in his head through his skin. Breathing heavily, he dropped the knife and pulled out an old bloody cloth he used to press to his skin; it was black with blood and he pressed it now and watched the red stain it, bright and almost beautiful. Swallowing, he pulled up the cloth once the bleeding had stopped and pulled his sleeve back down. He slowly lied back into the grass and he figured he was alone and at peace at last.

_Why are you so stupid, Elf_?

But no. He was never alone.

_**Erestor**_

He had been waking up in Elrond's bed for the last two weeks now and he had never felt happier and more amazing than he did now. He did not want to stop seeing Elrond, he wanted to love him and be with him for the rest of his life. He walked with an extra spring in his step and he was much kinder to everyone than usual, even to those that annoyed him and interrupted his work constantly. Everyone noticed the change in him but after two weeks, he began to notice a change in someone else as well. He had begun to notice a change the marchwarden as well; they gotten to know each other over the past few weeks and he had come to grow fond of the Silvan elf, but the closer they became as friends, the further the elf distanced himself and he did not know why. He knew that he would be returning to Lorien soon and he wanted to see him before he did, he wanted to know what was troubling him so much.

Walking briskly down the steps he caught sight of him and hurried in his direction. "Haldir!" Hurrying after him, he caught his elbow. "Ah, I have been looking for you all over."

Haldir took a step back and blushed a little. "Hello Erestor."

"Can we sit somewhere and talk? I have been meaning to ask you something."

Haldir felt his heart flutter and he nodded. "Yes, of course."

Erestor smiled brightly. "Excellent." He lead Erestor to a lovely, private place in Rivendell that was shaded and cool. Sitting on a bench, he motioned for Haldir to join him. "Sit, sit." Once Haldir had sat, he turned to face him more. "My friend, I am worried for you…the closer we become, the further _you_ become. And I do not know why. What is it that is bothering you _mellon-nin_?"

He watched Haldir blush and duck his head a little. "Surely you must know…"

"I do not…I am very confused."

"…I should not say…it would…complicate things…I cannot." He stood to go.

Erestor reached out and took his arm, pulling him back down. "Now, now…I am concerned. What is it? I promise, I will not laugh at you, if that is what you think-"

"Erestor…I…have…"

"You what?"

"I have these…_feelings_ for you that I cannot explain….I am sorry…I am stupid, I should not-

Erestor stopped him and frowned. "Feelings…for _me_? But…_why_?"

"…I don't know Erestor…I wish I did…but I do not...again, I am sorry…"

Erestor sighed heavily. He did not wish to hurt the marchwarden but he knew he had no choice. "Haldir, I am sorry but I do not feel that way for you…I am in love with another and he with me. I am taken." He tried to say it as simply as he could, knowing that it would hurt Haldir to hear of it. "I thought it was obvious about where my heart lied…?"

"Yes…it was…but I still could not help but feel this way-"

"Your feelings are wasted Haldir….you should not feel that way for me of all people. It's preposterous."

_**Haldir**_

_See! He does not want _you_, he would never want a pathetic marchwarden. Not when he can have a _Lord_. You're stupid…stupid and hopeless. _Haldir felt his stomach twist again and he feared he would faint from the way he felt. He looked down, wishing he had better control over himself around Erestor. "….yes….I am sorry…I will not bother you with my troubles again." He stood quickly and rushed back to the only place he could be alone, he could hear Erestor calling after him but he dared not look back. If he looked back he would never be able to recover from this. _No one likes you, no one _wants_ you. _"Leave me alone," he begged, close to tears. Falling to his knees, he hugged himself, leaning forward to press his forehead to the earth. "Just leave me alone!"

"Haldir?"

He jumped, startled, sitting up and turning around, scrambling back. "Erestor," he whispered, shocked to see him standing there. "How-"

"I followed you…." Erestor bit his lip and walked over to him, kneeling in front of him."…are you alright?"

"No," he whispered, shaking slightly.

"Who is bothering you?"

Haldir gulped realizing that he had been talking to his demons out loud again and he had not been alone. "No one…nothing…I'm fine." He was lying and he knew Erestor knew this. He tried to stand up but he slipped a little and Erestor caught him and they were locked that way, in this awkward tangle. He stared at Erestor, eyes wide, trying to control himself. _Come now Haldir, you're a soldier, not some elfling that cannot control his feelings._ "I am sorry," he whispered.

"Why do you keep saying that? You have nothing to be sorry for, Haldir. You cannot help how you feel…I am sorry I cannot return your feelings, I wish I could. I hate to see you so saddened."

_He's lying. He doesn't care about you. _No one _cares about you._ He blinked and he wanted to scream. He could never have a moment's peace with that inner voice shredding him open, from the inside out. "You love him."

"Yes, I love Elrond…I always have….I am _honored_ to be allowed to love him now…I am sorry my friend, but you are my friend and that is all that I can grant you. We can be no more…I hope you understand…I truly do."

Of course he understood…he wanted Erestor's happiness, he wanted nothing more than for his friends to be happy. His own happiness be damned. "Yes," he whispered, feeling his demons cackling at him, shutting down. "Yes I understand. You cannot help how you feel and I will not force your hand either way."

"Thank you," Erestor said, smiling, hoping the matter would be dropped. "Are you sure you'll be alright? I would hate to see you so upset over me. I truly am not worth getting upset over," he chuckled, hoping Haldir would laugh with him at his own joke but Haldir did not join him in his humor. "Haldir, really, you worry me…is there anything I can-"

Haldir could not stop himself from kissing Erestor, he did not know what had possessed him to do so but he did. At first, nothing else happened, Erestor did not stop him and he was pleased by this…maybe Erestor had feelings for him after all but then he felt Erestor place his hands on his chest and push him back.

"Haldir!" he hissed, shocked. "_What_ are you doing?"

Haldir blushed, terribly ashamed. "I…"

"That was completely out of line...I….I cannot be with you Haldir. I have chosen Elrond years ago and I am not going to throw it all away! I refuse to, _please_, stop this madness. This was a mistake, surely…I….do not speak of this to Lord Elrond, I do not want to upset him. Maybe it would be best for you to return to Lorien Haldir…you are my friend but….I fear for the pain that may be caused if your feelings for me become well known." Erestor stood, uncomfortable and flushed. "Again, I am sorry that I cannot return your feelings….I wish you well on your journey home." Erestor turned and left him there, sitting, staring, shocked to the core.

Haldir stared at the spot Erestor had once sat with him and he felt himself struggling for air for a moment; the air seemed thick, and strangling. He gathered himself to his feet and made his way blindly to the room he had been leant to gather his things, throwing his cloak over his shoulders, trying not to let his emotions completely overwhelm him. He wanted to hack into his body to let all of the demons out of his head because they nipped at his heels as he walked down the hallway hastily to the stable, they left a trail of black filth behind him and he could not be-rid himself of them. Getting his horse, he steadied him and mounted; he knew it was not polite to leave without telling Elrond or anyone for that matter but Erestor was right. He should leave and go back to where he belonged. Alone in the Golden Wood. Turning his horse, he hurried him from Rivendell and he swore in his head he would never return to this place unless he had to.

_**Haldir**_

His time was up. The leaves were falling for the last time and he watched as his people gathered, ready to leave Middle-Earth forever. He stood there and he stared at the drying trees and it broke him further. How many years had it been? How long had he stayed in Middle-Earth, in Lorien since Erestor had told him to return? He had not ventured back to Imladris, he had refused to go back. He had stayed in the Golden Wood and he had let his demons eat him alive and he had had no desire to stop them. He had seen no point in stopping them. He jumped when one of his brothers clasped his shoulder and smiled at him, nodding to the line that was now moving and he knew he would have to join them. He nodded and watched them go, one-by-one they went onto the path that would lead them to the harbor in the West.

He chose to stay in the back, the guard in him wanted to continue to protect his people, despite the fact that he knew that they would be safe. He walked a distance from them and he turned to stare at the forest that he had called home for so many years. Every part of him yearned to stay, to stay here and never leave it. He had never seen purpose in his job as marchwarden until now….Now that he was leaving it behind forever. Every part of him hoped that he would finally, at long last, find peace, solace…_rest_ in Valinor. Away from strife, grief, despair…he wanted away from all of it. The demons that ate at his morale, he wanted _away_ from them.

Forever.

Turning away from the trees that he had called home, he followed his brethren away from Lorien and onto the road to the West. He did not realize that they would have to pass through Imladris, that some of the elves would be joining them. If he had, he would have stayed. He would have stayed and not have left where he belonged.

_**Erestor**_

"But-"

"Ah-ah…do not protest, I have already arranged it. You are going with them…for me…?"

Erestor sighed and nodded. "Yes I will go for you." He kissed Elrond gently and headed back outside, his eyes falling on the Silvan elves that had joined them this night. He scanned them all and then his eyes met those eyes of Haldir and he felt as if someone had stabbed him. The life that was once in the marchwarden's eyes were gone, replaced by a coldness that made him ill. He broke his gaze immediately, hoping he would not have to speak with him much. By the time they were moving again, he found himself in the back…with Haldir. At first, he chose to say nothing but he knew that he should. He had not seen him since that day and it hurt him. "Haldir," he said quietly, hoping the marchwarden would speak with him. He did not respond but Erestor decided to continue on as if he had. "I must apologize to you…our parting words…they were not friendly and I am sorry…..I am sorry that you had not returned to Imladris, I wish you would have, we could have spoken-"

"I was to return to Lorien, it was where I belonged," Haldir replied, his voice cold, flat, bitter.

"I did not say that you did not belong here…I just…I was _worried _that something would have happened and then Elrond would have misinterpreted! Please, I am _sorry_, truly _mellon-nin_, I am sorry. I did not mean to upset you so-"

"You did," Haldir said, simply, his voice clipped. "But that doesn't matter, I told you that I did not matter. And I do not. I hoped you happiness and I can tell by the way you glow that you received it. That is all that matters."

"But Haldir you _do_ matter…please do not tell me that you've been in Lorien _pining_ for me. I hope that is not what you have done with your life!" He flinched when Haldir cast him the dirtiest of looks. "I just…I just _hope_ that you found something else to occupy your time…your mind-" He about lost his balance when Haldir grabbed him and turned him around and revealed to him the scars and wounds that covered his arms.

"_This _is what occupies my mind and my time," he whispered, staring at him, wild-eyed.

Erestor stared, stunned, his stomach dropping to the forest floor. "No..Haldir _no_….how…I mean…_why_ would do this to yourself? Haldir….I do not understand."

"You did not wish to understand," Haldir replied quietly. "You wanted me gone so I went. I do not blame you for what I do…I did it long before you."

"But…even still…some of them, they look fresh."

"That is because they are….now I go to Valinor in hopes that I can escape this pain and grief I feel constantly. The darkness that plagues me, I wish it gone, and I am hoping I will find peace at last."

"….oh_ Haldir_…."

"Please leave me be Erestor. I cannot just be your friend, surely you know this by now."

"Haldir-"

"Enough. Leave me alone. Your words are empty."

"But Haldir-please I am sorry, if I had known…"

"You would have what? Pitied me? I don't want your pity. Or anyone else's."

Erestor flinched and looked down. He would have pitied him, yes, quite a bit he would have pitied him. He could see that he and Haldir would no longer be friends. It broke his hear to now this that they would not be friends. Sighing, he turned around and started walking again, wishing that Elrond were with him.

_**Haldir**_

Valinor.

It was just as beautiful as he had always imagined it. He was at peace at last. He had come to the Undying Lands months ago and at last he was at peace. His mind was not plagued as it had been before. Lying in the grass he stared up at the trees and he sighed, at last he was happy. Closing his eyes, he let the silence drift over him. Then, from the darkest corners of his mind that still thrived, he felt a tug, and then he frowned to himself.

_Stupid Elf. You're never alone_.


End file.
